In my last entry here, I posted (in part) the following:

“Until recently, I used to turn up my nose at the idea of reading or writing fanfiction. However, having recently found my way to pages of fanfiction devoted to the characters of Disney’s Gravity Falls, I find that I must rethink my old prejudices. I had expected a lot of puerile, self-indulgent, pornographic slop, but that is not what I found at all. Or at least, not all that I found. There was genuinely a fair amount of truly good writing. Indeed, there were several turns of phrase that impressed me almost to the point of jealousy. What I saw was that there are people who, not seeing the story they want to read, take up pen and ink, and write it themselves. And there were people who were unwilling to see a favorite story to end, and so took it upon themselves to continue the adventures of beloved characters. And really; working with previously established characters and settings is no different than what professional writers who work on television series and movie franchises do. It also struck me that writing fanfiction is excellent practice for any aspiring author.”

Now. Having continued to peruse Gravity Falls fanfiction, I decided that I did not see the story I wanted to read. I have seen a lot of Wendy-Dipper ship-fic, and a few are extremely well done, some going as far as to integrate the “Wendip Ship” into episodes of the cartoon. And written on a professional level. I am impressed with how some authors understand basic human interactions and motivations, and I have seen a lot of “emotionally true” stories. I have also seen “stories” that might more properly be called outlines for a future writing project. And I suppose those are okay, too; not everyone is a Writer (with a capital “W”), and I think it’s wonderful that anyone can pick up a pen and do their best to make the art that they want to see.

I have noticed that in some of the more poorly written stories, a lot of melodrama gets thrown in to provoke emotional responses in the readership. Sometimes it’s done well, sometimes not. Sometimes, these dramatic crises are over the top. Some are unnecessary. Some are inserted into a story without any setup, rhyme, or reason. And some read as if one or more characters are being fridged just for the sake of creating a romantic bond between two characters. So, setting out to write my own fan fiction, I wanted to avoid such things. I wanted a sweet, straightforward story centering on a (relatively) healthy relationship between two characters I have come to love, as I have discovered Gravity Falls. No drama, no tragic devices, no great insurmountable obstacles to love; just a blossoming affair in which two people genuinely love each other, as friends, and as lovers discovering each other’s hearts and bodies.

Of course, this means my story is not a particularly good one. A good story, proper drama (not melodrama) requires conflict of some kind. And I am avoiding that- mainly because I’ve had enough pain and misery in my life; I don’t want it intruding into this story. Essentially, I am writing pap. A smooth, bland, porridge of a story about something that is probably appealing only to me. *shrug*

Another problem with my writing is that I have no real experience of love, romance, and intimate relationships like the one I am trying to portray. I am a Grey Ace. I am not aromantic, nor am I sex-repulsed. But romantic relationships are not something with which I have much experience. This is of course affecting my writing. I have seen much better writing here addressing the development of such relationships- though I do get frustrated when the “Will they? Won’t they? Do they even realize how they feel about each other?” aspects get drawn out through the entire story for no good reason. It becomes awfully tiresome, awfully quickly.

I have only recently discovered Gravity Falls. However, it has quickly come to mean a lot to me. I’m fifty-seven as of this writing. My childhood was filled with abuse, ostracism, trauma, and loneliness- not unlike the experience of many others, I have no doubt. My safe spaces were few and far between when I was a child, especially when I was Dipper’s and Mabels’ age in the story. Gravity Falls reminds me of those too brief summers I spent with my grandparents at their little dacha in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.

We had a little cottage, no more than six or seven hundred square feet in area. It had been built by my grandfather and his brothers, with their father. Back then, when I was Dipper’s age, and younger, it was heavily forested. The roads were unpaved, and the little homes there were few and far between. Even now, I can still remember the smell of the place—sandy, acidic soil…dwarf pine…scrub oak…laurel and holly…wild blueberries and blackberries …woods that seemed to go on for miles, and miles all around. There was a lake of cedar water- the iced-tea color was due to the high iron content, leeched from the soil. My grandparents swore that it had medicinal properties and was good to soak in.

Those summers were good. I spent seemingly endless days walking through the forest, looking for paths, seeing where they led…swimming…fishing…bird watching…hunting toads and frogs…picking wild blueberries in the forest….It was all wonderfully removed from the world I was forced to inhabit the rest of the time.

When I was twenty-five, I found my own Wendy. We became fast friends. And despite a twelve-year difference in age, we fell into a brief but intense affair, which for many reasons, did not last. We are still friends to this day, (Don’t ask me how or why) though we haven’t seen each other in person in more than twenty years. Still- to this day, there are still echos of her in my (you should pardon the expression) souls (Anyone interested in that story, feel free to pick up a copy of my memoir.)

The Wendy-Dipper relationship arc as Hirsch wrote it resonates with me on a deeply personal level. Which is why I have been drawn to the Wendip fantasies. Even though today I understand all the whys and wherefores, even though I learned to accept that things could not be as I wished them to be, that things could never work out for me with my own Wendy the way I might have wanted– there has still never been anyone but her. I’m an old man, now. I thought I had moved on. But the Wendy-Dipper arc still makes me cry.

And Gravity Falls brought back so many of those memories. And as I watched, I couldn’t help but feel as though I missed something all those years ago– I think I would have liked to have had a twin like Mabel. I really needed a friend like Wendy. I would have enjoyed knocking around with a brotherly sidekick like Soos. I could have used teachers like Stan and Ford. But, like Gravity Falls itself, my summer ended many years ago.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give now for just one more summer. What I wouldn’t give to be together with such friends. This simple cartoon show managed to trigger quite painful feelings of anemoia within me. Or, if not nostalgia for a past that never was, a past that was almost mine…and should have been mine. I honestly don’t know if I should love Alex Hirsch or hate him.

And so, I began this project. It feels good to stretch my writing muscles again. But regarding my fanfic here, I also feel that I should say this: The story of Gravity Falls is complete. There is no need to extend it. Although I desperately want to see another season, although I really want to see how Dipper’s relationship with Wendy develops, it is not necessary. It is done. And yes, on many levels, it is painful. But then, one of the points of Gravity Falls was the idea that things change. That all things come to an end at some point. The End of Summer. The time to leave the Hundred Acre Wood. To leave childhood behind. We must move on.

What I am writing is merely a fantasy. I know that. I posted the following in a Facebook group: As much as I love the show, as much as I desperately want to know what happens next for our friends, the story is complete. There is nothing more to add. While I am not averse to Hirsch writing a new chapter, it’s not necessary. The conclusion of a good story, filled with characters and people whom we’ve come to love, is always heartbreaking. But that was one of the points Gravity Falls was making, wasn’t it? Summer ends. Time to move on. One of the most poignant exchanges for me was between Dipper and Mabel, when they had said their goodbyes and were about to board the bus-

Dipper: You ready?

Mabel: Nope. Let’s go.

(Of course, unlike Life, when we miss our friends in Gravity Falls, we can always turn the pages back and read it again…But, Oh! For just one more summer….)

The story that Hirsch wrote is what happened. I cannot change any of it. Nor would I if I could. The emotional truth of it is, by me, indisputable. What has happened in Gravity Falls has happened. It’s done. And it is complete. I cannot improve or perfect it. In life, you don’t get joy without heartbreak. If you want Life, expect Pain. That’s just the way it is. We don’t always get what we want in life- and that’s probably a very good thing. It is for me, I’m sure. And anyway, I am who I am today because of my past experiences. Successes and failures. What I did have, and what I never had. What I may have had, and then lost. It would be foolish to try to change any of it.

But here, in my own fantasy land, I want a happy ending. I want joy, and love, and peace, and friendship. I want dreams to be granted, without any twists, without any caveats, without any conditions, or deceit. This is not a particularly great story. But it’s one I will create, and one in which I will take comfort.